Thursday, August 12, 2010
I looked through my blog posts from throughout the years I've had it , and even though I barely had any posts , I really liked them . O: I think now , I dint post as much stuff as I want to , like personally . Back then I guess I was comfortable with letting stuff out , but then again , there was a hella lot more to complain about . Also it's weird to see how you've changed and what you've changed about yourself . Like I personally think that I'm kinna a completely different person than when I started blogging . I think I tend to try and stay happy where as in the past I accepted and dwelled on the things that made me sad . Or maybe I really didn't change all that much and I'm overanalyzing stuff again . I guess that didn't change (x
anyways I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying anymore. I'm posting this at 1:53 am cuhs I can't sleep and I have nothing better to do . O guess sleeping til 2pm isn't so good on your sleep cycle . AHAH . anyways . I wonder if people still even blog or even read my posts LMFAO . I wouldn't be surprised if people didn't . But I know a few that proly would , like Joe , cuhh I see he's still pretty active on his , or active compared to erryone eles AHAH . Anyways . Idk . I think I'm acting hella different cuhs here I know much less people will see it , and also cuhs I tend to get crazier at night . LOL . don't judge .
...
/begin rant .
I really feel unaccomplished lately . Maybe cuhs it's junior year , and errthang I heard about junior year is all about how it's gonna be the hardest shit of your life and the busiest one too . I also think it's cuhs I haven't been doing anything to preoccupy myself this week , so I had a lot more time to think . I really feel bad cuhs since we all do go to a college prep school , I'm not living up to my standards . Erryone else around me is taking classes and SAT prep and volunteering , and all these other things to help them prepare for their future , and Im not doing anything at all . I just really don't think I can compete with people at our school , especially given the fact that a lotta people have a higher academic
push than I do . And don't get me wrong , it's not like I don't care about my grades , or I'm indifferent about it . Like I feel ashamed when people are complaining about having one B or saying their parents would kill them if they didn't get a 4.0 . It's just like a feeling of mediocrity being compared to people who excel so much higher than you . Honestly , that's one of the main reasons I hate talking about school , cuhs I'm really not sure about what's going on with it . Also I am hella crazy jealous of the people who have their whole lives basically set , and their only in high school and they know what they wanna be , what to major in , what college , and all of that . It just amazes me how they can plan that so much ahead . I'm also so jealous of people who have some sort of talent that they can ride through so they can get to colleges of their own choice , and I'm pretty freaking sad that I can't relate to that . No , I do not have some natural talent I am beast at , I don't have a rich family that can support me through any of my decisions , and help me financially whenever I need it , no I do not have my whole future planned out already , and no I do not get the best grades in our class , and I most def do not know what exactly I want with my life . For now I'm just going through life one day at a time , cuhs that's what I'm used to and that's what's been working . I have a few ideas about what I wanna do , but nothing compared to my peers . I just honestly get mad or annoyed when someone I know that fits into what I talked about starts saying stuff about college , whether it's about how much they got planned , or if they're complaining about not knowing what they wanna do . It's just frustrating sometimes having to listen to them rant when you know they're so
much better off than you . Cuhs all you can think in your mind is , "well you're hella better off than me so shut the fuck up and stop
complaining ."
I just don't like school cuhs it makes me worry . That's why I hate talking about it . I really just want to live life , enjoy it , and do what I want without having to worry about what lies ahead in the future . Basically . I don't wanna grow up . I know that sounds really immature but it's what I want . For me , I think , my choice of either going to whitney or gahr was like a choice of , being the worst of the best , or the best of the worst . Well can't back out now . We have two years of high school left , and I plan to enjoy it . I think it just sucks to be a normal goldfish in a tankful of unique , one of a kind , rare , special fish . The thing is , they never notice you cuhs there's just so much better to look at than some goldfish . Fuck that .
/end rant .
1:49 AM
1 Criticisms